


So quite new

by milkywaywide



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Angst, F/M, Self-Acceptance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-19
Updated: 2018-05-19
Packaged: 2019-05-09 01:48:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 730
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14706806
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/milkywaywide/pseuds/milkywaywide
Summary: And then there’s Kaneki (always Kaneki) barely a shadow of that shy, awkward, boy she’d met all those years ago, finally grown into Rize’s kagune, but not quite into his king title and the responsibilities that came with it, torn between his kindness and violent tendencies.





	So quite new

Touka’s never quite believed it when people tell her she’s beautiful. She is a monster (a murderer) that has to eat people in order to stay alive; she isn’t capable of beautiful things, trapped in a cursed body she did not ask for.

She thinks of the men that hit on her when she’s working, how some of them are just gross and will come onto anything that has boobs and moves. It’s not honest. They don’t truly think she’s beautiful, they are just trying to make a point, as if saying to their peers (or themselves): _hey, look at this young girl, I’m going to hit on her just because_.

She also thinks of that (stupid) human girl in the church sometimes when she releases her kagune, unafraid that she was to become prey, mesmerised by the wings of she who would be the cause of her demise.

And then there’s Kaneki (always Kaneki) barely a shadow of that shy, awkward, boy she’d met all those years ago, finally grown into Rize’s kagune, but not quite into his king title and the responsibilities that came with it, torn between his kindness and violent tendencies.

So she jumps him one day and before she’s taken note of what she’s doing her lips are on his and the only thing she knows is that after that they become lovers.

He starts to appear on her cell bashfully at first, all red cheeks and a silly smile, awkward about asking for affection, but craving it nonetheless. It’s so strange touching him and having him touch her at first, discovering a new side of this boy she’s fought alongside and with, but it becomes so natural so fast. So much so she sometimes worries her heart will explode; she can feel it swelling like crazy in her chest (but there are also other things swelling in front of her and _that_ she feels in the pit of her belly).

Touka, surprisingly, finds she actually believes him when he says she’s beautiful. He tells her this _every single day_ and she can feel the weight of adoration and desire in his eyes, unsure if she’s worthy but basking on it nonetheless.

They’re young, in love, and less responsible than they should be, but she is still dumbfounded when a couple months after that first kiss she finds herself facing the toilet the fifth day in a row.

Realization eventually dawns on her and Touka looks at her reflection on the dirty mirror.

She thinks of every scar, cut and bruise she’s ever had (she’s deserved each and every one), then of Kaneki peppering burning loving kisses all over her skin (it feels so _nice_ , but someone like her shouldn't have that). Finally, she thinks of the unlikely (possible) baby in her belly and tries to decide if this is yet another one the universe’s cruel jokes or if this could actually be a good (miraculous) thing.

But this is not the moment for her body to betray her, because she realizes she wants this, she wants this _badly_. She prays to a god she’s not sure she believes in for it to be safe, because she doesn’t think she’d be able to live if she lost (killed) it. Her brain is flooding very quickly with “maybes” and they’re bubbling at the surface, threatening to burst out.

Maybe her hormones are just going haywire and there is no baby to begin with.

Maybe she’ll loose it.

Maybe Kaneki doesn’t want it.

Maybe the pregnancy will kill her.

Maybe she’ll feel it kicking.

Maybe she’ll die during childbirth.

Maybe it’ll be a girl and they can name it after her mother.

Maybe Kaneki will get murdered by the doves.

Maybe it’ll be a boy and have his kind, gray, eyes.

Maybe she’ll ask Yomo to be the godfather.

Maybe she’ll buy a bunny hat for it to wear during the winter.

Maybe it’ll look like Ayato did when he was a baby.

Maybe Hinami will also be there by her side when she gives birth.

Maybe Kaneki will cry when he holds it for the first time.

Maybe _she_ will cry when she holds it for the first time.

Maybe she can carry out this pregnancy.

Maybe she _is_ capable of beautiful things, after all.

So she asks: “Hey, Nishiki, can you do me a favor?”

**Author's Note:**

> Title is from the E. E. Cummings poem, you know the one; it was supposed to be more based on it, but I went overboard talking about the baby, yet still liked the title so there's that. This is my offering for touken week celebrating the 1st anniversary of 125. Feel like I tried too hard on it and it shows but anyway, thanks for reading! <3


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